


How The Other Half Lives

by JohnAmendAll



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bodyswap, Community: dw_straybunnies, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 15:56:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnAmendAll/pseuds/JohnAmendAll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liz. Jamie. An alien machine of unknown purpose. All things considered, it was pretty much inevitable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written from a [randomly-generated pairing](http://dw-straybunnies.livejournal.com/42416.html?thread=240304#t240304): Jamie McCrimmon / Liz Shaw / body swap. 
> 
> Set in an alternative Season 7 where Jamie remained with the Doctor after _The War Games_.

Consciousness returned slowly and reluctantly to Liz. She was lying on the linoleum floor of the laboratory, her head pounding. 

"Ow," she said. Her voice didn't sound right. 

"What happened?" someone asked. That was another voice, female and with a Scottish accent. It sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't place it. 

"I don't know." Liz clutched her head, and realised something was very wrong. Her hair felt short and straight, with no trace of the bun she'd done it up in that morning. And the rest of her body didn't feel quite right, either... 

She forced her eyes open. The first thing she saw, lying a little way away, was her body, looking back at her with an expression of bewilderment. 

"This doesnae—" it began, in that same Scottish-accented voice, and broke off. 

Liz managed to turn her head so she could see herself. She noted the sleeveless jacket, the kilt, the boots. 

"Jamie?" she asked. 

"Miss Shaw?" came the answer. What she still thought of as her body was patting itself down, a look of dawning horror on its face. "I'm a girl!" 

"You're in my body. And I'm in yours." Liz sat up, and winced as a fresh headache pang shot through her head. Or should that be 'his' head? Pronouns had never been so confusing. She decided to stick with female ones; she _was_ still a woman, even if she was currently in a man's body. 

"That'll be down to yon device, then." The woman that Liz reluctantly had to accept as Jamie managed to climb to her feet, moving with the clumsiness of a toddler. Looking up at her, Liz found herself wishing that she'd chosen a longer skirt that morning. 

"D'ye need a hand?" Jamie-her asked. 

She held out a hand to Liz and tried to help her up. It didn't work out; given their combined unfamiliarity with their new bodies, they both ended up sprawling on the floor again. 

"Why d'ye have to wear such silly shoes?" Jamie asked, pulling off the modest half-inch heels that Liz had been wearing. 

"If I'd known we were going to end up in each other's bodies, I'd have dressed with that in mind. As it is, we're just going to have to put up with it, until we can swap back." 

"Aye, well, let's get swapped back, then. It'll be to do with yon machine, right?" 

Liz looked up at the lab bench, which seemed a long way away. "Right." 

It took them a couple more goes to get up; then, side by side, hanging onto the bench for support, they peered at the alien device. Liz had had it partly dismantled; her own test equipment was connected to it at various points with crocodile clips. 

"This isn't going to be easy," she said, wiggling her fingers. "I'm not used to your hands. It'll be like trying to paint a picture wearing gloves." 

She picked up a pair of pliers, and experimentally tried to strip the insulation from a length of spare wire. The wire snapped off, as she closed the pliers with greater force than she'd intended. 

"I can't do this," she said. "Not yet. I need more time... Jamie?" 

She looked around. Jamie was standing in the far corner of the laboratory where a mirror hung from the wall, with one hand on her chest. _His_ chest, Liz corrected herself; if she still thought of herself as a woman, she ought to try and think of Jamie as a man. He was certainly behaving just as she'd expect a man to, given the circumstances. 

"Jamie, stop playing about with my body," she said sharply. "I'm trying to talk to you." 

"I can hear you fine," Jamie said. The mischievous expression on his face was one that Liz hoped she'd never worn; she'd certainly never seen it in the mirror before today. "Just getting used to being a lassie." 

"If you go around behaving like that you'll be in a whole lot of trouble." Liz joined him at the mirror. "Not least from me." 

Jamie's expression was positively coquettish. "You mean you'll larrup me?" 

"I could, you know. I'm bigger than you now." 

"You want to be careful... Miss Shaw." Jamie couldn't resist a giggle, presumably at the incongruity of calling a strapping Highlander 'Miss'. "I can do what I like and everyone'll think I'm you." 

"Well, so can I," Liz riposted weakly. It was clear, though, that given the chance Jamie could do a lot more damage to her reputation than she could to his. "Listen, Jamie, we're both responsible adults. Let's try and sort this out sensibly." 

"All right. How?" 

"I need to improve my manual dexterity. Maybe there's some sort of game we could play — I didn't mean like that!" 

"I didnae think you did," Jamie protested. 

Liz found that her borrowed body was disagreeing strongly with her last assertion. She bit her lip, mentally recited the standard equations for general relativity, and took a few steps away from Jamie. 

"Are you all right?" Jamie asked. 

"Fine." Liz took deep breaths and avoided meeting Jamie's eye. "That's better. I'm just... not used to these hormones." 

"You've gone all red." 

"Never mind." Liz turned away. "I hope this doesn't happen every time I meet a pretty woman." 

"Oh, so you think I'm pretty?" 

Liz breathed out, feeling the turmoil within her subside. "Given that you're in my body and I've got my normal share of vanity, I suppose it's only to be expected." She crossed to a tall cupboard and started looking through its contents. "Now, we need to find some sort of game to play. I don't suppose there's a pick-a-sticks set anywhere." 

"Actually." Jamie shifted uncomfortably. "Before we start, I need to— well, I need to go to the— well, it's different now I'm a lass, isn't it?" 

Liz covered her eyes. "I'll explain it to you," she said. "Just as long as you don't insist on a practical demonstration."


	2. Chapter 2

The laboratory had been regrettably lacking in games that might serve to improve dexterity. After a few experiments with stands and clamps, Liz and Jamie had been reduced to throwing balls of paper at the waste-paper basket from a distance, with frequent pauses to gather up all the ones that missed. Jamie had given it as his opinion that even in his body, Liz still threw like a girl. By way of a change, they were now playing shove-ha'penny on a clear area of the lab bench. 

"Ah, there you are, Jamie," the Doctor said. 

Jamie looked up. "Aye?" 

Liz half-turned on her stool. The Doctor was standing in the doorway, a look of mild surprise on his face. 

"He's Jamie at the moment," she said, pointing to make her meaning clear. "I'm Liz." 

"I see." The Doctor looked from one to the other, then at the workbench. "When I left you, Liz was researching an alien machine, as I recall. I presume this is what it does?" 

"Aye, that's right," Jamie said. "Only now he— she— Miss Shaw cannae change us back." 

"I'm not used to this body," Liz explained. "I didn't want to risk damaging the artefact through clumsiness." 

The Doctor nodded. "A sensible precaution. Do you think, if you explained what you did, I could follow the steps?" 

Liz rose to her feet, picked up a screwdriver, and bent over the device. 

"I was testing this section," she said. "I connected a voltmeter here and here." She pointed with the screwdriver, being careful not to touch anything. "Then I applied power to this circuit." 

"Yes, I see." The Doctor put a jeweller's glass in his eye and scrutinised the circuit for some time. "I think, if we connect _this_ to _that_ , and use about three-quarters the voltage you did..." His hands were darting swiftly over the exposed circuitry as he spoke. "Yes, that should be quite satisfactory." 

"You mean you can change us back?" Jamie asked, jumping up. 

"Well, not just yet. The machine must have been fully charged before: it'll take some time to build up." 

Liz felt her heart sink. "How long?" 

"An hour or two, at least." 

"That's no' so bad," Jamie said. "You had me worrying it might be weeks." 

"Weeks?" The Doctor examined the circuitry again. "No, I think that's fairly unlikely." 

"I'd prefer something stronger than 'fairly unlikely,'" Liz said. 

The Doctor put his arm around her shoulders, seemingly completely unfazed by the body she was occupying. "Liz, I won't risk giving you false hope." 

"I suppose not." 

"Anyway." He let go of her. "I was going to say, when I came in here, that I need to do some work on Bessie, and I was wondering if Jamie wanted to help. But under the circumstances..." 

"Oh, I'll lend a hand," Jamie said cheerfully. 

"So will I," Liz said. "Anything to take my mind off the thought of 'weeks.'" 

It was about halfway to the garage, near a guardhouse, that they met the Brigadier. Liz hadn't been paying much attention to her surroundings; she was too busy feeling large and awkward and wishing her boots weren't so heavy. Consequently, she didn't realise he was there until the Doctor stopped walking, and she almost bumped into him. 

"Ah, Doctor," the Brigadier said. "Did you find out what that wretched contraption was?" 

"Liz did," the Doctor said. He shot a quick glance at Liz; she wondered if the Brigadier noticed. "It's not dangerous, handled correctly, but it'll be a couple of hours before we can make it completely safe. In the meantime, no-one's to touch it." 

"Good." The Brigadier turned as if to go, then seemed to notice Jamie. "You look different today, Miss Shaw. Is that a new dress?" 

"No," Jamie said. He was trying to suppress his accent, with indifferent success, and make himself look small. The end result was worryingly demure. 

"And... have you lost your shoes?" 

"They hurt my feet." It looked as if the ridiculousness of the situation was taking its toll on Jamie; the impish smile Liz had noticed before was putting in a most inappropriate appearance. 

"Well, I hope you feel better tomorrow. Good afternoon, Miss Shaw. Doctor." He nodded at her. "McCrimmon." 

"Brigadier," the Doctor said. Liz decided it would be best not to join in. She risked another look at Jamie, and had to look away again for fear of bursting out laughing. Instead, she took him by the arm and hurried him along the corridor, hoping to get him out of earshot before there was some kind of calamity. 

"I couldn't stop myself giggling," Jamie said. "Is that normal?" 

Liz shook her head. "I've never had any trouble. At least, not since I was a schoolgirl. Maybe it's because you're new to being a woman." 

"Is that like what you were saying earlier? You know, hormones and things?" 

"Yes." Liz tried to avoid thinking about hormones, but it was too late. Or maybe it was because she was standing so close to Jamie. 

"But it only happened when I saw the Brigadier. You don't suppose..." He looked around guiltily. "Is this what happens when a lassie's in love?" 

"I've no idea," Liz said brusquely, more concerned with controlling her own surges of emotion than answering accurately. Apart from straightforward lust, she was also struggling with a feeling of jealousy, but couldn't work out who she ought to be jealous of. "Just... find something else to think about." 

"It's not easy." 

Liz let go of his arm, inwardly seconding that sentiment. "Try. Please."


	3. Chapter 3

"There we are," the Doctor said. "Now, Jamie— no, I think this may need you, Liz— could you help me get the spare wheel back on?" 

After a few hours in Jamie's body, Liz was becoming more accustomed to her own strength, but hoisting the wheel into position still felt amazingly easy. The bolts that held it in place were in her hand, and one by one she worked them into their sockets. 

"Well done," the Doctor said. "Here, you'll want this." 

"Thank you." Liz took the rag he passed her and wiped the grime from her fingers. "Jamie, what about... Jamie!" 

"What?" Jamie asked, looking puzzled. 

"Jamie, you've got oil all over my skirt!" 

"Och, it's not that bad. I just wiped my fingers once or twice." 

Liz groaned. "Couldn't you have waited until we'd finished with the rag?" 

She looked Jamie up and down. It was positively disturbing; she'd never have imagined herself as an unkempt, slightly grimy urchin, but that was definitely what he'd managed to make of her body after only a couple of hours' tenancy. His hair had partly come out of its bun and was hanging down on the left side of his face; there were a few greasy marks on his cheek where he'd obviously been pushing the stray lock out of the way. It didn't help matters that by now he was not only shoeless but barefoot. 

"Jamie," she said firmly. "You're a mess." 

"And you look like you've swallowed a couple of lemons," Jamie said cheerfully. "I hope the wind doesnae change before we swap back, or I'll be stuck like it." 

The Doctor, who'd been putting his tools away, looked up. 

"I think it's about time we saw to that," he said. "Shall we go?" 

"As long as we don't run into the Brigadier again," Liz said. "I wouldn't know where to look." 

"If we do, I'll just explain what's happened. I'm sure he'll understand." 

Liz sighed. "I suppose so. But wouldn't it be simpler if we just got changed back to how we should be and no-one any the wiser?" 

"Don't know what you're grumbling about," Jamie said. "You're not the one he wants to take out to dinner, are you?" He looked coquettish again. "If he asks, should I say Yes? Because if I do, and then we change back before the date, then you..." 

"If he does ask and you say yes, you can go on the date too," Liz said firmly. "Whether we've swapped back or not." 

In the event, they didn't see anyone to speak to, though Liz couldn't help wincing every time somebody passed them. She didn't care to be thought of as someone who'd wander about the base in the state Jamie was currently in. 

Once they were back at the laboratory, the Doctor instructed Liz and Jamie to sit facing each other. Then he gave the machine another quick inspection. 

"I think we're ready to go," he said. "Unless you want to stay as you are for a little longer for any reason?" 

"Certainly not," Liz said. 

Jamie looked uncertain. "I don't know... maybe we should wait until tomorrow? I was just getting used to being a lass." 

"Jamie!" Liz gave him the best glare she could manage, under the circumstances. "If you think I'm leaving you alone with my body until tomorrow you've got another think coming." 

"Oh, so you'd want me under your eye all the time?" Jamie gave her a wicked grin. "On second thoughts, I'd not trust you with my body either. And maybe if we leave it longer, we'll get stuck like this. I'm ready now." 

"It'll work better if you hold hands," the Doctor said. 

Liz reached out and took Jamie's hands in her own. She looked into what ought to be her own face, and found herself once more fighting a sudden urge to plant a kiss on it. She gritted her teeth, and hoped the process wouldn't take long. 

Then there was a soft explosion in Liz's mind. The grip on her hands shifted, and instead of her own face, she was looking at Jamie's. 

"Did it work?" Jamie asked, his delighted smile showing he already knew the answer. 

"Complete success." The Doctor switched off various controls, then leaned over the machine and pulled out an intricately-worked green crystal. "You're both back where you belong." 

"Thank goodness for that." Liz stood up and stretched, luxuriating in the sensation of being in her proper body. Her bare feet felt sore, but other than that Jamie didn't seem to have done any lasting damage. "What are you doing with the machine? It could be quite a valuable research tool..." 

The Doctor shook his head. "I'm afraid not. It's far too dangerous." 

He set the crystal on the ground, and trod on it. There was a brief flash of light, and a sharp detonation; when he lifted his slightly smouldering heel, nothing was left of the crystal except a scorchmark on the floor. 

"Why's it dangerous?" Jamie asked. 

The Doctor patted him on the shoulder. "Think about it. What wouldn't an ageing tyrant give for the ability to steal a younger body?" 

"Oh, aye." Jamie nodded, as if to mark the matter closed. "D'ye mind if I go and find something to eat? I don't think Miss Shaw's been feeding me properly." 

"Nonsense," Liz said. "And it's silly to go on calling me Miss Shaw. Particularly after I've walked a close to a mile in your shoes." While the thought was at the front of her mind, she retrieved her own shoes and slipped them on. "'Liz' will be fine." 

"I suggest we eat at the Golden Hart," the Doctor said. "You go ahead, and I'll catch up once I've finished here. I shouldn't be long." 

As she turned to go, Liz caught a glimpse of her reflection in the corner mirror, and winced. 

"Excuse me a moment," she said. "I want to sort out my hair." 

In the relative privacy of the cloakroom, she adjusted her hair as best she could. Then, on a whim, she tried to match some of the expressions that Jamie had managed to put on her face. It took a few goes, but eventually she hit on something close to one of his more flirtatious expressions. 

_Didn't know I had it in me_ , she thought. 

In Jamie's company, she left the laboratory. Walking was slightly painful, she found, but bearable. Presently, she and Jamie passed through the outer gates of UNIT's current HQ, and turned their steps toward the local inn. 

"It's been a funny day, hasn't it?" Liz said after a while, to break the silence. 

"Aye, it has." Jamie gave her a sideways glance. "Are you sorry we've changed back?" 

"Sorry? Not in the least. Why?" 

"Well, just before the Doctor broke yon machine, you said there were all sorts of experiments you could do with it. I was wondering..." 

"...If I wanted to do any of the experimenting on myself?" Liz shook her head. "I think it's better this way." She imagined some of the things they could have tried, unsure whether to be disappointed or relieved that she'd missed the chance. "And I'm not letting you get your hands on my body again. I'm sure I've got a blister on my heel, and you've definitely ruined my tights." 

"Sorry." Jamie held out his arm. "D'ye want to lean on me?" 

Liz gratefully accepted his support. "Thank you." 

"What sort of a lass did I make?" Jamie asked, after a while. 

"An... attractive one, I suppose." Liz found herself sorting through her impressions. "I don't mean the way you looked, I mean how you behaved. Half the time I wanted to kiss you." 

"And the other half?" 

"Give you a clip round the ear." She took a deep breath, and realised what she'd been driving at. "In fact, you were just like you always are. Only female." 

"You mean you still want to kiss me half the time?" 

"That isn't what I meant. What about me? How was I as a man?" 

"Strong and silent." Jamie smirked. "You reminded me a bit of the Brigadier. And once or twice I wanted to kiss you, too." 

"But not now?" 

Jamie gave her an innocent look. "I'm not so sure." 

"Oh, go on." Liz stopped walking, forcing Jamie to stop too. "Get it over with." 

They exchanged a chaste kiss. 

"I'm still not sure," Jamie said, as they resumed walking. "Maybe we should try again." 

Liz smiled, turning her head away so he couldn't see. "Don't push your luck."


End file.
